Friday, June 27, 2008

Martyr

I have this very vague memory of being at my grandmother’s house sleeping on a cot when my teen-age uncle came in with his girlfriend. He had this big toy stuffed donkey, and he threw it at me on the cot. Apparently the stuffed donkey had been won at a fair by another young man and given to my uncle’s girlfriend. My uncle did not like that and was giving the donkey to me. I did not understand all of that at the time, because I was only about six years old. I just knew that he was giving me a wonderful stuffed animal. It was nearly as big as I was. From that night on, I slept with that donkey until I went off to college. It was my favorite toy.

When I was a little older, I saw a similar donkey (only smaller) in a store. I asked my dad if I could have it, and he said no. It made me a little sad and I teared up, but I was really okay with Dad’s decision. I didn't really need the donkey; I had just thought it was cool. Then he gave in and said I could have it. I remember feeling torn. On the one hand, I wanted the donkey – on the other hand, I didn’t want Dad to be upset with me. Dad bought the donkey for me. Although I put the donkey in a place of honor, it always bothered me. I never liked that donkey like my other stuffed animals. Maybe it was because I had gotten the donkey by crying. Maybe it was because Dad gave it to me under duress and not from his heart. The donkey always made me feel guilty, and I never enjoyed it. That is the problem with showing your emotions or voicing your thoughts. Sometimes it is just better to suck it up and try not to be a martyr later on when things don’t go your way. Chances are, you will be happier without the guilt.

6 comments:

Inquiries said...

I used to have a stuffed animal like that. It made me feel guilty. I think I gave it away.

Junk Diva said...

Mine was a pink duck, bath toy. I was like you I didn't mean to tear up, I don't even remember really wanting it that bad. But my grandmother gave in and bought it, it just didn't make me feel good to play with it. Thanks for the share "oh great wise one".

Buck said...

That is the problem with showing your emotions or voicing your thoughts. Sometimes it is just better to suck it up and try not to be a martyr later on when things don’t go your way. Chances are, you will be happier without the guilt.

True... but much easier said than done. Sometimes.

The Friendly Neighborhood Piper said...

You must've passed some kind of weird ass gene on to Jesse...she makes even a plain ole donkey look cool.

Knit and fall back in it said...

I don't really have any childhood memories like that...playing the martyr didn't usually fly with either of my parents. But I whole-heartedly agree that you should never act or speak until you have a handle on your emotions. I'm not saying that I have the ability to do this without fail, but I know that my life is a lot easier when I do.

Bob said...

How much easier life is when (like me) you're shameless. Regardless, even my sincerest tears never worked on my dad.

Happy 31st! Joyce and I are right behind you lovebirds.